A wonderful friend of mine sent me a card, wishing not only that I get better soon, but she also wishes towards my Dr. Looking like McSteamy ...

my reply ...

My Dr. is so the opposite of being McSteamy, that he should just be called Sir Frozen Sands.

He's a good Dr., he's just not a good LOOKING Dr.

Too bad, because a little bit of eye-candy along this shitty route in my journey would be MUCH appreciated at this point. Considering I am getting sexier and sexier, day by day, perhaps it would be best if he were blind...

I will be finding out Wednesday what my chemo regimen is going to be. Fun fun, I find that out a hour or so before the surgery to put in my port.

Since I am BRCA1+, we are going to have to do a oomph. sometime after chemo is over. The nurse called today to let me know that the sono showed my ovaries are clear (thank GOD because I could not have taken one single grain more of bad news), BUT, she said "yup, the only thing that we saw were the little eggs in the right ovary ... so thank goodness nothing else."

I know this is good news ... and I am deeply happy, and appreciative of it.

Although I know I will have to have them removed to significantly decrease my risk for Ovarian cancer, the whole "ovary removal issue" is still really sore spot to me. Cancer, the gift that just keeps on giving...

F'ing Cancer.

must change mind frame .... ADD SOME KNITTING CONTENT ....

okay, well I have been working on these languishing stripey socks now for way too long. I really like the socks, and how they are turning out (I like the first sock striping colors better than the second, actually...) but, morphine brain made it hard for me to correctly execute a k1, p1 round. It was sad. I vividly remember laying there in my hospital bed, listening to my bunk mates, Denny and family squabble, and I was having to CONCENTRATE on the k1, p1.

That was the hot pink/orange stripe section of the sock. I do not recommend knitting on Morphine. I have now turned the heel, and I am in the home stretch on the foot. I will try to make way on it tonight. I really want to be done with my thinking knitting projects when i start Chemo, because chemo brain is not supposed to be fun. I am going to try to start spinning up the copious amounts of fiber I have, over the next few months.

the gift that just keeps giving

Since I am BRCA1+, the nurse called today to let me know that the sono showed my ovaries are clear (thank GOD because I could not have taken one single grain more of bad news), BUT, she said "yup, the only thing that we saw were the little eggs in there, so thank goodness nothing else."

Now I know this is good news ... but this lady does not know that I am a 39 year old mom who, up to the day before I found my lump, was thinking BABY at 40, NOT CANCER at 40. Although I know I will have to have them removed to significantly decrease my risk for Ovarian cancer, the whole "ovary removal issue" is still really sore spot to me. Cancer, the gift that just keeps on giving...

I fell like I have been drafted into a war that i have no interest in participating in.

At all.

Now, i am going to HAVE TO FIGHT, in order to stay alive.

THEY will arm me with the weapons,
and that ammunition will work, or not work.

Some of it is up to me ... a lot of it is up to how the enemy will react to it all.

I feel like a soldier standing next to the ship about to cast off to who knows where.
Weighted down with only my thin camos, and a backpack, and memories of those I have left behind, because ultimately, i am in this alone.

There are too many babies in this line with me too.

Those babies should not have to fight in this war too.

There are old people too, but they look at me with eyes that sadly say, "yah I am here too, but I am armed with wisdom and peace gained only from seeing a lot of what crap life can shoot you.."

Then there is me.

I just don't belong here.
and there are too many, just like me, who are here.

I feel like once i set foot on that ship, I might not ever be able to set foot on this shore again.

Once i leave and start this battle, I will be leaving this particular of my life behind.

No matter how hard i fight, and no matter if I win

when and if I get off this ship again,
my life will never be the same again.

I have spent practically the entire day sitting on the sofa.
not wanting to move.

Tears occasionally sliding down my cheeks and soaking into the pillow i lay back on.
My little big bot has sat here with me too.
Curled up and keeping my feet warm.

Dying is NOT an option.
It just isn't.

Pill Popping Pests....

I hope that this message reaches you in good health, and in the midst of enjoying the warm tidings of the Holiday Season.

I have been wanting to updates all has been going on here, but each week has brought with it more Dr. visits, and more waiting.

We have been through a lot of, "Well, NEXT week we will know more about “X ...". Then, the next week they tell you "X", but then you need to wait because all that hinges on finding out"Y", and well you cannot find out about "Y" until the week after that....

The stress and waiting game with this is simply exhausting.

Because I want to try to keep people somewhat current, I am going to send you what I have at the moment...

My bilateral mastectomy was Dec. 2nd, I was fortunate that I got to stay 2 days in the hospital. Apparently some folks go home the next day. Yeah, WHATEVER. I would have tried it stay and additional day, but my roommate was insane, and her uncle (Denny) was wasted on some sort of pills. I learned his name, and of his particular predilection for popping pain pills as he and his post-op niece, were playing cards, and shouting at each other over their oh-so-annoyingly-jaunty, LOUD, and never ending, ring tones. I decided it was time for me to go when Uncle Denny kept stumbling through the room at all hours of the night, using the privacy curtain at the foot of my bed as some kind of suspended crutch. He would shuffle into the room, and grasp onto it to steady himself an kind of glide-walk across the room -- dragging the whole length of the curtain to the end of it’s track, leaving the whole length of the curtain gathered up at the end of it’s track RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. MY. TV. One would think that if he were that high, that he would have had the capability to just float right on through ... had I not been snapped up on Morphine, and scratching at myself like a drug-addict myself, I would have asked him to fix the curtain. I decided it best to stay to myself, punch that Morphine button and call the nurse to fix my curtain again.

I will be having out-patient surgery on December 23rd, to have a main-line port put in. Hopefully, I will not run into my pill popping pal again.

My chemotherapy treatments will start Thursday, Jan 6th. We will be meeting with the Oncologist next week, and at that time we will be deciding between two chemotherapy's (FEC or AC/T); the longest of which will involve about 20 weeks of treatment. We do not yet know the weekly frequencies of the treatments, nor the names of all of the wonderful anti-nausea drugs that I am going to be taking during that time frame. This we will know in the next few weeks.

Something I learned over the past 2 weeks?
1) Morphine makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to pee and it makes you itch like you would not believe.
2) Going straight from Morphine to High doses of Vicodin effectively STOPS your bowels in their tracks.
3) Pain killers totally remove your short term memory.

Oh, and did I tell you that pain killers totally remove your short term memory?

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!

Beaver Caps.

F'ing ovary sono today.

It will be the 3rd appointment out of the 4 I had today.

Was at the hospital form 9 to 3 pm.

The Trans-vag sono ... it SUCKED.

Seems like he payed a LOT more attention to the right ovary, than the left.

This does NOTHING for my peace of mind.

Yet another STRYKER bed was waiting for me there too,

And for some reason they had the words "Beaver Caps" written on the dry-write board in the exam room ... I was going to ask ... but then the gravity of the reason of why I am there, hits me, and silences me. The gravity of it all hits me square in my chest, and knocks every single positive funny thought and feeling out of me.

Beaver Caps ... could they be hair nets for the crotchtal region?

Not nice to drop bombs on folks who are already living day to day.

My Bilateral mastectomy (12/2).

Now that my right arm does not go numb right away with using the mouse.

Last night, the bomb was dropped on me (non-chalantly might I add) that I was triple negative. It was wedged in there with the brush-off statement of "well, since those ovaries are going to have to come out" ... bubbling out of the 8-9 month pregnant genetic counselor. She must have forgotten she is talking to a 39 year old mom of a 2 and 4 year old, and did I mention that the biggest thing on my mind when i found this lump last month was "so IF I do get pregnant in the next month or so, I can still have the baby by the end of next summer, and so what if I will be 40...". Baby at 40 was the biggest thing on my mind ... not BIG FAT FUCKING NASTY AGGRESSIVE CANCER at 40.

F this.

I am scared beyond words, because we have no family nearby to help with the kids...dunno how we are going to do that yet ... but I really need to keep my HEAD in the right place so I can focus on getting better.

My tumor was apparently 5mm from the chest wall, and they "said" clear margin of 5mm. The oncologist is going to discuss with the Rad. Guy whether or not radiation will be needed ... seems like Oncology man is possibly thinking not? At this point, I will not mind if the Radiation Guy decides to recommend it, because this might be my one chance to catch any stray cells. Only one node, the sentinel node, was affected. they removed 11 more nodes and none showed and cancer ... can i just trust that? I dunno.

I will be calling my Breast Cancer Center today or tomorrow and asking them why I have not been hooked up with the dietitian they speak of ... I found out yesterday I currently weigh 113. I loose weight like mad under stress...

Where is my mind?

Sitting there in the pre-op "cell", waiting for the nurse to bring in another bed. I guess since they know I am going to be in that bed a awhile, they are going to get me a more "comfortable" one. Whatever comfortable would be, as it is a hospital bed, for God's sake.

She wheels it in ...

It has STRYKER emblazoned across the base.
the first thing that came to my mind? Jeffry Stryker.

WTF? Thanks a lot, undergrad roomies :-) I hear your voices in my head goofily going "Jeeefffrrrrrrry Stryyyyykeeerrrrrrr says hiiiiiiiiiiii..."

I tell the nurse I have never had an IV before. She blinks at me, looks at my charts and says, "you have two children?". Had them naturally ... the last one took 20 minutes .... she blinks, and says that she is not going to let a student do my IV, as she does not want it to be bad for me, she wants it to be done well...

I am so happy for this.

She does it well, she used lidocane injection first, and I hardly feel a thing.
I want to hung her afterward, because this might be the last time that something like that is done with compassion.

and another

my surgery is slated for December 2nd. I was dx with IDC a couple of weeks ago. It sounds like there are two lumps, close together ... and side by side, the whole affected area is a little over 4cm. No oconotype yet, nor have I been told a stage or anything (is that weird?). Perhaps they are waiting until after surgery to determine all of that? i have heard that sometimes the whole mass is not necessarily cancerous, sometimes only internal portions of the mass... I have had an MRI that showed one possible swelled lymph node (~1cm), but no other body involvement (yet? That whisper terrifies me). Also had a chest x-ray, showed "nothing".

Because of a strong family history, and this size of the mass, I am going to have a mastectomy ... and maybe a bilateral if my BRCA tests come back positive. I am a mental mess. I have had nothing but aches and pains since the diagnosis, and every time a different Dr. goes to feel on my arm-pit lymph nodes, they seem to ache for days after. The new annoying "pain" is that my lower-mid back has been aching, and I swear I feel like I am ovulating (no periods though because I have Mirena IUD, which is coming out Monday). I slept on a heating pad last night because I was thinking that perhaps this is all tension that is making my back hurt. I am so scared that there is something growing on my kidneys, or ovaries, but at the same time, I feel like an ass if I call up the Dr.'s office because what can they do really? Would a urinalysis really show them anything useful? My operation is going to be in one week, and the next 2 days are holidays ... Seriously ... mention a body part, and concern, and I swear it will ache. Wouldn't it be good for them to know if there is something else growing somewhere else? Or is it best to get this first operation out of the way, then move on to the CT/PET scans to determine if there was any spread?

I am rambling, i know.

I am just so scared.

I cannot believe how fast this thing appeared out of no-where.

Scared senceless

Nov.6 -- Last Friday, I found a painful lump in my breast. Got a mammo that day.

Nov. 11 -- Tuesday morning i had a core biopsy done.

Nov. 13 -- Thursday morning, the results came back positive for Breast Cancer. IDC.

Nov 18 -- Tomorrow, I am scheduled for an MRI, and Friday I learn more about what we are dealing with. Took the BRCA1/2 genetic test yesterday.

By Friday we will know for sure what we are dealing with, surgery is slated for December 2nd.

I am 39, and my babies are only 4 and 2.5 years old.

They have estimated "It" is probably about 2 cm ...

I am scared beyond senseless.

I spend my days trying to hold it all together as I spin haphazardly through my "5 stages of grief".

I went through Rage yesterday. Depression again today.

Every single ache and pain I feel makes me freak out even more because I think "oh God, why is my back hurting? Has the Cancer spread there? And was that a twinge I just felt in my "ovary region"?.

I know I am not sleeping well at night, and our mattress totally sucks, both attributing to all of my stressed out aches and pains ...

I know I am rambling ... but as I sit here trembling, with tears streaming, i know, or I am hoping, that maybe someone out there knows how I am feeling.

I can hear that my babies are up and awake form their naps, but here I hide because I am afraid to go up there, where they will see the tears and terror in my eyes, and again ask me "What is wrong mommy? Why do you cry?".

Circular weather ... Partly cloudy, with intermittant showers and storms.

At least the depression has gone to being intermittent for now. It is more off than on. I can handle that. After a day full of appointments yesterday, I am a little glad to have today off. I made it well into our third appointment (and hour and a half maybe?) before breaking down and completely falling apart. Today, I at least lasted until we had gotten back in the car after our trip to the hardware store.

"No Mister Lowe's worker, I am not crying because I am upset that you don't have any 20 AMP, 3 pole light-switches in stock..."

I think we have appointments every day this week, except for Monday.

MRI is Thursday, results Friday.

Surgery slated (penciled) for December 2nd.

I just want to know what it is that we are up against.

I heard one single cricket cautiously chirping in the cold, as I stood outside of the car, yesterday afternoon.

An eerie silence...

Immersed in a vast, cold, and sleepy fog of the days after the mammograms and manipulations. The intense fear of Cancer was shouting at me then, and I could barely hold it together enough to take a god-damned breath. 5 days ago.

Three days later ... right after the biopsy, an eerie silence, and peacefulness entered my life. But was I still hearing the whisper of Cancer Crickets? That was two days ago.

Today I found out that this eerie silence was truly The Calm, before the Great Storm.

Here I am. Go ahead and try to ignore me.

Those ghostly, shadowy figures on the sonogram. Everything positioned just right, so that the one being “sonoed” can’t really see what is being imaged.

I craned my head around just enough, and I saw it. It. BEEP! Longitudinal view of It. BEEP! Transverse view. BEEP! moving across now to the one tip. BEEP! Now tracing along It’s axis to the other tip. BEEP! Now back to the middle and trace side to side to get It’s girth. BEEP! BEEP!

With each image that is captured (the beeps), they are collecting information to get dimension, and It’s mass. I see her activate the cursor on the final image and change the white numbers to something like 3cm x 4cm ..... my mind kind of shut off at that point.

The phantom pains after the manipulations, seemed it wake It up. It seemed to be poking me back. Like, “here I am ... you found me and decided to mess with me, so HERE I AM. Had you just let me sleep, then I could have just gone on being quiet.” Kept me from sleeping the first two nights. Most of the pain I think was in my mind ... but still.

From the woman who never wins ANYTHING.

To the woman who has mysteriously won something this month too.

I am starting to get a little worried here. Seriously. When I say I usually win NOTHING I mean Nothing at ALL. Now, just in case someone jumps out of the woodwork here, and points to my past and screams "LIAR!", I will clarify my statement and say that yes, I did once win something by calling my local radio station. What I won, way back then, from 92-X FM back home, was a cassette tape of Was (not was). Oh, you say you don't remember who Was (not was) was? Really? You mean you are not hip (OLD) enough to remember this song? Uum, yes ... I was 17, and yes, I /we used to jump up and do the dance along with it too...

Now, I know that there are plenty of BETTER clips of that song out there, but the thing i LOVED about it is that it caught the cheesy "Friday Night Videos" intro that we all thought was SOOOO COOOL back then! I would get in trouble for dancing all over my room and singing at 1 in the morning to the videos. We had MTV on the CABLE in the basement, but I was scared to be in the basement by myself after dark, and well, MTV was reserved for watching when I had sleep overs and such. Anyone remember the push-button cable boxes with the 200 ft of cord?

Yet, I digress. Back to how I don't win anything, ever.

So last night my husband comes home and announces that the Apple Store here in town is having a raffle, and they are raffling off a brand new MacBook Pro. And I sez "that would REALLY freak me out and make my day cuz I REALLY wants one of those...". So on the car ride over to the Apple store, I am looking at the flyer at all of the cool stuff they are raffling off, and I realize that I don't even know what half of the cool techno gadgetry even IS. There is a Blue Microphone Eyeball (huh?), and a M-Audio Torq (what what?), and something cool sounding called a Flip Pure Digital Ultra. So I tell my husband that this "Ultra Pure Flip thingie sounds really neat", and even though I don't know what it is, perhaps it would be neat to win one because then I actually have the opportunity to learn what it is and how to use it....

So we get there, and sign up for the raffle drawings.

I won the Flip Pure Digital Ultra!

I freaked OUT.
Totally, FREAKED out.
OMG I am in LOVE!

Hooooo-leeeeeee COW!

Growing up where I did, and when I did ... 4-H was a BIG thing when I was in school. LOTS of people in my school were in 4-H, and we used to go to the Fair (mostly the County Fair ) to go see the things they entered. When they really hit it big, they were going to the State Fair. Thing is, I was NEVER really "allowed" into that echelon of 4-H'ers, and competition goers, because, well, i did not live on a farm. I didn't have bunnies, guinea pigs, or cows or horses to show. I had a couple of gerbils ... meh...not so exciting of a show animal.

Well, earlier this year I went upstairs and was digging around looking for something I never DID find, but I came across the Feather and Fan Shawl I completed last fall. I love that shawl. Suddenly I felt kind of sad for it, all folded up in it's little bag. I felt that it needed to be seen, not forever preserved. So, I decided to enter it in a competition. I thought it was pretty, but would others?

I guess so!

YEY!

First Place: Best of Knitted or Crocheted Women's garments
First Place: Knitted garment other than a sweater
Best over all of Division 3
Second: in Division 1B (Adult Garment)
I am so happy!

on this day...

Big Little Boy was born 4 years ago, almost to this minute ... and my life, and the way I think about things, and love things, changed instantly, and forever. The smallest things became more important, and the need of having my children surrounded by loving family became even more paramount. I now yearn to have the warmth and security of my extended family around me.

I am still riding the wave of wonderful feelings that my extended family brought us, this past weekend!

A quick thought on inconsistancy...

I have more in my queue to post but I have not had time to edit yet ... i will post it soon, I promise.

okay ...

so in my throws of "this had BETTER not be Swine Flu" the past few days, I did some looking up of what symptoms make Swine Flu, Swine Flu and not some other Flu ...

And some of the symptoms are sudden high fever, sore throat, diarrhea, vomiting ... (check, check?, check, no check...)

and then something occurred to me ...

Do you know every year how they have those specialists come on saying "If you are vomiting, you DON'T HAVE THE FLU, you have FOOD POISONING... the FLU does not make you throw up yadda...yadda...yadda....".

okay, I have had the Flu and food poisoning, and you know what? I threw up with BOTH. anyway ....

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is VOMITING.....

so what gives? If you call in the the doctors office and tell them your symptoms, are they going to think that you don't have SF if you did not exhibit one of the major signs ... throwing up? OR are they going to say "You don't have the Flu because you threw up. If you throw up, you obviously have food poisoning.".

I have had rather "heated" arguments with people on this whole calling illnesses the Flu or not, and this recent thing just gave me the ammo to shout "oh yeah? Well with Swine Flu, vomiting IS one of the symptoms!!! -- SO SUCK IT".

Love Love LOVE! In that order...

Love #1: FO!

I finished my Tahki Empire Tunic! I really really like it! I loved the yarn, and after I decided to knit it in the round, the pattern seemed to fly by! I am SO HAPPY that I did not have to seam this! It had cables, and I really did not want to be able to see the seams through the cabled mid-section. I was a bit concerned about how snug it would fit through the hip area, but there is enough ease in the pattern to allow nice drape without getting the mu-mu effect. I will be writing more about my modifications to the pattern on Ravelry.


Now that that is done, I am trying to finish up my VK lace stockings. Quite the piquant knit, that.

Love #2: Removing clutter!

This weekend I will be soaking and drying all of my hand spun yarn. I have been putting it off for several months, because I wanted it to get warmer outside. But you know what? I am sick of having the yarn taking up the air-space next to the computer!


Look at that MESS. Sick I tell ya. Look at that action shot ... Blogger up on the computer screen, big "hospital cup full of energizing tea drink", and a big bag-o-trail-mix...and the new clothing item envelope .... I am so sick of clutter -- save that for another entry.

I have been on a quest lately. I quest to find comfy pants. Not comfy as in the sweats, and yoga pants that I already live in --- I want something different.

After having the boys, I was fortunate in that I was able to get back into about my same size of clothes. I say "about my same size of clothes" because I can wear all of my old pants, but something has changed. I don't know exactly what has changed, but the pants/shorts just don't look or feel the same on me anymore. I find my pants uncomfortable, and tight in weird places; the waist is kinda tight and/or they ride up and give me a ALL DAY wedgie. I don't care how cute the pants are/were, if I am always having to stop and discretely pry my underwear out of my butt, then the pants just are not going to cut it. If I shop for a size larger, they look baggy and frumpy. I am sick of being caught between shorts that are so short that they look like underwear, and shorts that are so long and full of pleats that I age 15 years just by trying them on.

I am publicly acknowledging that all of these problems are probably due to my ass ... it seems as though it has morphed into some sort of unhappy beast that no longer wants to conform to the current trend of fashion ... after my ass rebelled, the mid-section was not long to follow. I am not complaining because I think I am overweight, because I am not. I am 118 lbs, and I am happy with that ... I just have a real body, with dimensions that don't seem to conform to the recent trend of clothing styles; style meaning the genera of clothes that that exist outside of sweats and yoga pants. Just because I am small, and it is summer, this does not have to be my style!

Anyway, I started questioning our western clothing styles, and what multi-para women my age wear in other countries. I am fortunate enough to have grown up alongside people of MANY different ethnic backgrounds, and in my lifetime, have never seen a Hindu, or African woman, looking uncomfortable, or anything less than stellar in her clothing style -- EVEN AFTER PREGNANCY! Theirs are clothing styles that have been worn for thousands of years. Their clothing styles accommodate the human body, NOT the other way around!

My search led me to these ... thai fisherman pants, or as Thai people call them, "Ganggeang Lay".
Quick, simple, easy care, light weight for hot weather wear. PERFECT!

I hemmed, and hawed ... I bought.

which brings us to...

Love #3: Happy Purchase Pants Dance!

I purchased them directly from Thailand on 26 May, and they arrived today June 3rd! (hence, the reason for the empty envelope int he clutter picture above :-) )
I am in love.

My husband has his first "real show" (no, not an All Male Review, an art show for his pottery;-) ) this weekend.

I am so happy, excited, nervous, hopeful for him!

I finally jumped in with both feet!

Along with an update in look, and feel, there are also some changes to the sidebar -- I am on Etsy now! YEY! For many many months, I have been working incrementally on getting a shop set up on Etsy! Yey! I am finally done! YEY! I actually started on it this time last year (!), but when you have little kiddos, things just take longer than you'd ever expect. I really wanted to have everything up and running for the 2008 Christmas season, but really, what was I thinking? Seriously? Did I think that Christmas would somehow be easier and less work this year? What was I drinking when I came up with that great idea? And then there was the spring field season, which means I was single-parenting for much of April and May -- Yup ... conditions NOT conducive to anything other than, getting absolutely nothing done.

Anyway, after many hot, late night, after-hours sessions at my husbands office (graphics program), and learning how to use a light box, I am now having a lot of fun with making a lot of creative little things for my shop.

Now that LumLum Tree is up and running, I decided to keep up the pace and embark on a couple of other things to use up what-ever-little brain space and free time I have...

For Mother's Day, my husband scored three huge bags of raw wool for me. Now, when I say raw, I MEAN RAW. Basically, the property where he does his wood firing, is surrounded by a sheep farm, and it was shearing season. So, to say "thank you for not killing me for having to leave you so long, at home alone with the kids" he talked the farmer into giving him some of the Fleece. the farmer raises the sheep for Mutton, so he has no interest in the wool really ... but he does set aside some of the prettier fleeces, and those were the ones he gave my husband.

I spread it all out on a sheet to see what kind of condition it was in. I have NO IDEA what kind of sheep the wool came from, but some of it was beautiful!

Yes Sir, Yes Sir, 3 bags full!
(I could not believe how much the wool looks like dead animals laying in the yard!)

One for my master

One for my dame

and one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

Now, personally, the white one is pretty, but I think the Little Boy Who Lives Down The Lane is going to get screwed by this one, because this fleece was just plain gross. It had a short staple, was full of hay, grass, dried sweat, and poop. YUMMY!

Not really knowing what to do, and knowing that I don't have enough time in my life to process all of this wool by myself, I decided to have my husband drop off the two dark colored wools to the Illinois Wool and Fiber Mill to have them process it for me. Luckily, my husband was "going in that direction" and did not mind dropping it off for me. I really like staying local, and this family started this wool mill up just recently. How often do you get to have a wool mill so close? I guess the demand for a wool mill in this area was high, because they have a four month backlog. Hey, I don't mind. I love to hear that they are having so much business, and I am going to need those four months to get through my knitting and spinning backlog before getting this new fiber in the house!

While my awaits processing, I have embarked on yet another adventure ... SILK WORMS! A lady in my Spinning Guild ordered more than she needed, and offered them up to a good home. Several other Guild members, including myself, took on the little orphans. The boys and I have loved observing the whole egg-caterpillar process! We are not quite up to the cocoon stage yet, but we are going on daily walks and stripping local Mulberry Trees of their leaves. I have decided to go the caterpillar friendly route of letting the moths emerge form the cocoons, in hops of still being able to produce some nice, perfectly beautiful, and usable, spinnable silk fiber. IF I can get the hang of how to keep the silk worm eggs (eg., breeding the moths), and handle the silk fiber, I would also love to have enough silk processed to add silk spinning hankies to my Etsy shop at some time in the future!

I have so many irons in the fire, that I need a larger fire!

Greencastle Fiber Event!

A lot has happened since I last checked in. I honestly don't know where to start. It's like, suddenly having a close friend, or relative phone you up, out of the blue asking "so tell me what you have been up to for the past 6 months..." ugh .. .where to start?

I am going to start off small, and slow. ANd hopefully I will build some momentum over the next few weeks/days, and get this Blog Ball rolling again!

1) We finally resuscitated our local S'n'B (yey!). We have been meeting every Friday, and all I can say is I have needed this so much! I love the consistency! I love the camaraderie!

2) We are carpooling to the Greencastle Indiana Fiber Event this Saturday. This reminds me that I need to charge up the camera so I can take some pics so I have something fun to talk about after this weekend!

3) I frogged the Rhiannon socks (Cookie A). I was a good 10 inches into them too. BOTH of them. GOne. I love the pattern, as it is flawless, beautiful, and a tangy knit. But I got bored. I don't know why. I think it is my frame of mind right now, with spring, and it's bursting energy. I just needed something "faster", and more "changing". The cables got monotonous for me ... frogged, but not forgotten. I will start this project again, with different yarn, perhaps next fall, or winter.

4) In Rhiannon's place, I started two new projects -- the lace socks from Spring Summer Vogue, and the Jeans Empire Tunic from the most recent Tahki Yarns Terra Collection book. I am a little bit P.O'ed because the VK website has not yet uploaded the very charts I need to continue knitting the socks. I KNOW that I was being a total keener when I started knitting the damned socks the VERY NIGHT I got the magazine ... but c'mon. If you are going to make it necessary for me to go online to print out the charts I need to finish the project, at least have them posted by the time your new issues are distributed to the public! I'm jus' sayin'! Here I am all excited to knit these beautiful socks, and damnit, I have to wait now? I am making them out of the very yarn that Rhiannon was made from, and I feel as though THIS is a much better fit for the yarn.

This weekend is Easter, and although we do not celebrate the religious aspect of it, both sets of grandparents are coming to town for a visit, and a little Easter egg hunt. I will somehow get dinner and eggs dyed after I get home Saturday night (yeah, right!). I wonder how the in-laws would feel about Kraft mac and cheese, and a couple of Hungry Man frozen dinners for Easter Dinner?

I am beyond tired.
Doing the single parenting thing again this week (and next ... and the one after that too).
I am going to go check the VK site, and then hopefully, head to bed.

NOW WHAT?

I am sorry that this is so long ... but I have had it. Simply had it. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine found out that BOTH of her kids were damned near poisoned with lead! Apparently, it was being tracked into the house from the front door frame. This got me thinking ..."hmmmm, I know we tested the major stuff when we moved in our current house (walls, window ledges, baseboards etc) and it all came up negative ... but the backdoor started peeling this winter, (stupid cold-ass winter) maybe I should go test that white shit paint that is now visible. Can't have my Lyddle Speyshel Snawflaykes getting more Speyshul because of chronic high lead in their blood..." So I goes and buys the stupid little test tonight ... dab it on the door -- the stick just about jumped out of my hand it turned red so fast ... yup, the old white paint UNDER the newer, 'safe' green paint, is SCREAMING with lead. GREAT ... gotta strip the DOOR IN ALL MY SPARE TIME! So I panic, and proceed to run around the house testing.everything.in.sight. Then I look at the back of the box, to see what all they suggest should be tested, because GOD KNOWS THERE HAD TO BE SOMEHTING LEFT THAT I HAD NOT SWABBED DOWN ... and lo and behold, it says "bathtub". Huh? really? Well, I was intrigued. I had to try this out ... went in, swiped the inside .. AND THE FUCKING SWAB TURNED RED. THE TUB HAS LEAD IN THE GLAZE!!!

We have bearly enough $$$ to feed ourselves, pay our debits AND keep our heads above water. I will be shot-up-the-ass-the-a-lead-test if we are going to stop bathing ON TOP of being broke. Seriously, what now? There is no replacing the tub anytime within the next 5 years!

After I calmed down (barely, but a little) we thought it through, and reasoned that

a) lead is not soluble in normal pH water.
b) we have ALWAYS stayed strict about the kids not drinking the bathwater -- you know, elusive Brown Trouts can appear at any time...
c) I am not the best housekeeper (I like to call myself BEING GREEN) and therefore, the tub does not get scrubbed with harsh abrasives hardly ever.

Have any of you EVER been through this? If so, short of tearing out the bathroom, what did you do?!?!? I am thinking that we will just be taking showers from now on, since that way, the water runs right down the drain, and does not linger long enough to be consumed in anyway.

The tide is high ....

Cross my fingers, but we have actually had 2 good days in a row. Big Boy has been so helpful, and delighfully chatty. The crap tide finally went out to sea... but I am scared now, because I know that the tide will be back in soon, and that we are creeping toward yet another three days filled with pain-in-the-ass behaviour, accented with talking back, and being mean to little brother. Doesn;t it always seem to go that way? One or two really good days, then three bad ones ...

By the noise upstairs right now, it seems as though the crap-tide is coming back in.

excuse me while I go get my leaky canoe to go see what is going on....

LSG test

The thing that is so funny about this post is that I used this space as a temporary holding place for some pics I was going to upload to the LSG Ravelry group I belong to. Long story about what the pictures were actually for (cough cough, looking the other way like I am trying to distract you onto some other topic). Well, I never was able to get the pics uploaded, and so here they sat, all that time...

I find it funny that I have had NO TIME to post anything at all, but in that void, there are these pics...

I will say this

1) I have good reasons for being so busy
--hubby has been out of town a lot on work (doing a lot of the single parenting thing)
--spinning
--Cookie A. Riannon Socks
2) Etsy

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel .. .but for now, I leave you with these images, warm enough to warm your coldest winter nights.

oh yes.
very warm thoughts.