and another

my surgery is slated for December 2nd. I was dx with IDC a couple of weeks ago. It sounds like there are two lumps, close together ... and side by side, the whole affected area is a little over 4cm. No oconotype yet, nor have I been told a stage or anything (is that weird?). Perhaps they are waiting until after surgery to determine all of that? i have heard that sometimes the whole mass is not necessarily cancerous, sometimes only internal portions of the mass... I have had an MRI that showed one possible swelled lymph node (~1cm), but no other body involvement (yet? That whisper terrifies me). Also had a chest x-ray, showed "nothing".

Because of a strong family history, and this size of the mass, I am going to have a mastectomy ... and maybe a bilateral if my BRCA tests come back positive. I am a mental mess. I have had nothing but aches and pains since the diagnosis, and every time a different Dr. goes to feel on my arm-pit lymph nodes, they seem to ache for days after. The new annoying "pain" is that my lower-mid back has been aching, and I swear I feel like I am ovulating (no periods though because I have Mirena IUD, which is coming out Monday). I slept on a heating pad last night because I was thinking that perhaps this is all tension that is making my back hurt. I am so scared that there is something growing on my kidneys, or ovaries, but at the same time, I feel like an ass if I call up the Dr.'s office because what can they do really? Would a urinalysis really show them anything useful? My operation is going to be in one week, and the next 2 days are holidays ... Seriously ... mention a body part, and concern, and I swear it will ache. Wouldn't it be good for them to know if there is something else growing somewhere else? Or is it best to get this first operation out of the way, then move on to the CT/PET scans to determine if there was any spread?

I am rambling, i know.

I am just so scared.

I cannot believe how fast this thing appeared out of no-where.

Scared senceless

Nov.6 -- Last Friday, I found a painful lump in my breast. Got a mammo that day.

Nov. 11 -- Tuesday morning i had a core biopsy done.

Nov. 13 -- Thursday morning, the results came back positive for Breast Cancer. IDC.

Nov 18 -- Tomorrow, I am scheduled for an MRI, and Friday I learn more about what we are dealing with. Took the BRCA1/2 genetic test yesterday.

By Friday we will know for sure what we are dealing with, surgery is slated for December 2nd.

I am 39, and my babies are only 4 and 2.5 years old.

They have estimated "It" is probably about 2 cm ...

I am scared beyond senseless.

I spend my days trying to hold it all together as I spin haphazardly through my "5 stages of grief".

I went through Rage yesterday. Depression again today.

Every single ache and pain I feel makes me freak out even more because I think "oh God, why is my back hurting? Has the Cancer spread there? And was that a twinge I just felt in my "ovary region"?.

I know I am not sleeping well at night, and our mattress totally sucks, both attributing to all of my stressed out aches and pains ...

I know I am rambling ... but as I sit here trembling, with tears streaming, i know, or I am hoping, that maybe someone out there knows how I am feeling.

I can hear that my babies are up and awake form their naps, but here I hide because I am afraid to go up there, where they will see the tears and terror in my eyes, and again ask me "What is wrong mommy? Why do you cry?".

Circular weather ... Partly cloudy, with intermittant showers and storms.

At least the depression has gone to being intermittent for now. It is more off than on. I can handle that. After a day full of appointments yesterday, I am a little glad to have today off. I made it well into our third appointment (and hour and a half maybe?) before breaking down and completely falling apart. Today, I at least lasted until we had gotten back in the car after our trip to the hardware store.

"No Mister Lowe's worker, I am not crying because I am upset that you don't have any 20 AMP, 3 pole light-switches in stock..."

I think we have appointments every day this week, except for Monday.

MRI is Thursday, results Friday.

Surgery slated (penciled) for December 2nd.

I just want to know what it is that we are up against.

I heard one single cricket cautiously chirping in the cold, as I stood outside of the car, yesterday afternoon.

An eerie silence...

Immersed in a vast, cold, and sleepy fog of the days after the mammograms and manipulations. The intense fear of Cancer was shouting at me then, and I could barely hold it together enough to take a god-damned breath. 5 days ago.

Three days later ... right after the biopsy, an eerie silence, and peacefulness entered my life. But was I still hearing the whisper of Cancer Crickets? That was two days ago.

Today I found out that this eerie silence was truly The Calm, before the Great Storm.

Here I am. Go ahead and try to ignore me.

Those ghostly, shadowy figures on the sonogram. Everything positioned just right, so that the one being “sonoed” can’t really see what is being imaged.

I craned my head around just enough, and I saw it. It. BEEP! Longitudinal view of It. BEEP! Transverse view. BEEP! moving across now to the one tip. BEEP! Now tracing along It’s axis to the other tip. BEEP! Now back to the middle and trace side to side to get It’s girth. BEEP! BEEP!

With each image that is captured (the beeps), they are collecting information to get dimension, and It’s mass. I see her activate the cursor on the final image and change the white numbers to something like 3cm x 4cm ..... my mind kind of shut off at that point.

The phantom pains after the manipulations, seemed it wake It up. It seemed to be poking me back. Like, “here I am ... you found me and decided to mess with me, so HERE I AM. Had you just let me sleep, then I could have just gone on being quiet.” Kept me from sleeping the first two nights. Most of the pain I think was in my mind ... but still.